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JALUO OSIEPNA!

Jaluo drives into a service station in his battered , Volkswagen clad in shorts, All-Stars, funky beard and i-spoti (small hat).

He hands the attendant the keys complete with a beautiful Tupac keyring:
JALOU: "Jasna tank-Super" (jaluo means fill up the tank!)

Attendant: "How much?"

JALUO: "Omera adwaro petrol mar super full tank?" ( meaning, hey I said super... full tank!)

Attendant: "I only speak English!"

JALUO: "No problem. Good day to you Sir. I currently feel a profound desire to replenish the propellant of my motorized vehicle. Therefore, I cordially request you to transfer, from your subterranean reservoir, a sufficient quantity of the combustible fluid of the highest octane rating to fill the appropriate receptacle of the said means of perambulation to the brim."

Attendant: "YAWA?"

Jaluo:"Do you have a problem Sir? I thought you said you spoke only English?"

Attendant:"English? That is not English!"

JALUO: "My dear Sir, are you veritably attempting to insinuate that you do not even recognise the language which you allege to be your singular means of communication? "

Attendant:"AN'GO AI YAWA!

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The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.  The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:

“PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT”

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:

;“BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS”

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:;“NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN”

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

“NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10”

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

“NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE”

The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Don’t Worry Be Happy!

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The auditor

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.
The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd, "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" 
 
The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and plies, "Okay."  

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel
tables filled with algorithms and pivot tables. He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer, turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep ." 
 
The shepherd cheers, "That's correct, you can have your sheep."  
The young man takes an animal and puts it in the back of his Porsche. 
 
 The shepherd looks at him and asks, "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"
The young man answers, "Yes, why not?"
The shepherd says, "You are an auditor."
"How did you know?" asks the young man. 
 
"Very simple," answers the shepherd.   "Firstly, you came here without being wanted.  Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and thirdly, you don't understand anything about my business..."
".....now can I have my dog back?"

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Wanted Urgently: Marriage Software

A man bought marriage software (using IT language) and he experienced problems in using the software and decided to call the Marriage Software Division:

Dear Systems Analyst,

I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected Child Processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems initialization and then it monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf 5.3" no longer run, and crashes the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate selected "Saturday Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1" runs instead.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. Be it on-line or off-line. I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend 7.0 ", but uninstall doesn't Work on this program. Can you please help?

... AND THIS IS WHAT THE ANALYST SAID:

_____________

Dear Customer,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding of the functions of the Wife 1.0 program. Many customers upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM. Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its Creator to run everything on your current platform.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to

Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the System once it is installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended
up with even more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and
Solicitors' Fees).

Having Wife 1.0 installed, I recommend you keep it Installed and deal with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE Program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze
the entire system.

It may be necessary to run C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE a number of times, and eventually hope that the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance program, can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it, consider buying additional Software such as "Flowers 2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGS\ KISSES 600.0" or "TENDERNESS\UNDERSTANDING 1000.0" or even Eating out without the Kids 7.2.1" (if Child processing has already started).

DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1" (Short Skirt Version) or "One Nightstand 3.2" (Any Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly CRASH!!

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Who's in Your Front Seat?

Not everyone needs to have a front row seat in your life. There are some people in your life who need to be loved from a distance.

It’s a amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or minimize your time with those draining, negative, incompatible, ‘not-going anywhere’ relationships or friendships.
Observe the relationship around you.

Pay close attention to:

When you leave certain people, do you feel better or worse?
Remember that the people you have around you will have an impact on your life; your values and your income.

So be careful when choosing the people you hang out with, as well as the information with which you will feed your mind.

DON’T share your dreams with negative people, nor feed your mind with negative thoughts.

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you… the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the FRONT ROW, and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

You CANNOT change the people around you; but you CAN change the people you choose to be around!

WHO IS IN YOUR FRONT ROW RIGHT NOW!!!

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WEIRD LAWS

Weird and wonderful education laws:

Take music lessons if you go to North Carolina; it’s against the law to sing off key.
In Arkansas (Which by law must be pronounced ‘Arkansaw’), the law states that school teachers that bob their hair will not get a pay rise.
In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1, 500 feet of a school.
If a child burps during church in Nebraska, his parents may be arrested.
Anyone 14 or older in Indiana, who profanely curses, damns or swears by the name of God, Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, shall be fined between $1 to $3 dollars for each offence, with a maximum fine of $10.

Weird and wonderful financial laws:

In New York, it is considered a misdemeanour to arrest a dead man for being in debt.
In 1981, officials in Georgia, USA, stumbled upon a law that allowed pensions to confederate widows. That week, the last widow died, and they repealed the law.
A Minnesota tax form requested that you fill in the date of your birth and your date of death.
In Denmark, a stripper tried to claim her breast implants as an expense by stating that they were ‘tools of the trade’. It was disallowed.
In America, you cannot sue the federal government without the government’s permission.
One man in his will left his overdraft ‘to my wife – she can explain it.
A man, anticipating marriage, gave money to his fiancée to pay off her debts. She married someone else and refused to pay back the money. The US tax court held that, although a loan resulting from theft is tax deductible, a loss from misrepresentation is not. They treated the unfortunate man as an accomplice to fraud.

Weird and wonderful health laws:

Failure to flush a public toilet after use in Singapore may result in hefty fines.
In Australia, children may not purchase cigarettes, but they smoke them.
In Indiana, you can use it as a defence in court that, in the legitimate practice of your religious beliefs, you provided treatment by spiritual means through prayer to a dependent child, in lieu of medical care.
Thankfully, in Waterloo, Nebraska, barbers are forbidden from eating onions between 7am and 7pm.
There is a penalty of 20 Krona in Denmark for failure to report when a person has died.
In Canada, citizens are not permitted to remove bandages in public, and the city of Guelph is classified as a ‘no-pee’ zone.

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Weird and wonderful housing laws:

Local authorities in Belhaven, North Carolina, impose a sewer service charge of ‘$2 per month, per stool’-recently revised to read ‘per toilet’.
If you are a tenant living in Rumford, Maine, you are forbidden from biting your landlord.
Need a quickie divorce? In Pennsylvania, a man is innocent of desertion if his wife rents a room to a boarder and crowds him out of the house.
Homeowners in Marin County, California, give up their right to privacy because they must admit, with a warrant or not, a country health inspector to their home during business hours.
Snoring a problem? Don’t live in Dunn, North Carolina, where it is against the law to snore and disturb one’s neighbours.
In Lake Charles, Louisiana, you will be fined for leaving a rain puddle on your front lawn for more than 12 hours.

Weird and wonderful laws:

Weep in the witness box in a Los Angeles courtroom and you could be found guilty of misconduct.
There is no statutory requirement in Indianapolis that a juror be sane.
Children in Illinois can sue their mothers for negligence during the time whilst the child was in the womb. A similar case is pending in the UK.
Husbands in England can be prosecuted for raping their wives, although if proven the sentence is often less severe than if the rape was perpetrated by someone else. Wives cannot be prosecuted for raping their husbands.
If a Greek man is caught kissing a woman in public, even if she is his wife, he can face the death penalty.
Enter a marriage as a dare in Delaware and you have the right to have it annulled.
In Kentucky it is illegal to marry the same man four times.
In Michigan, a man owns his wife’s clothes.

Source: How to Beat the System by Annie Ashworth & Meg Sanders; BCA; CN  103962

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